The Royal Succession
Should Prince Charles and his two sons die before the
Queen is called to Heaven, one of these lesser-known
Royals will ascend to the Throne of England.

Lady Virginia Ducksworth, Duchess of
Northsusford. Aged 84. Fourth in line to
the Throne. Hobbies: fox hunting, collecting
plastic spoons, Victorian tea canisters, and
porcelain doorknobs. Quote: "I will live a
thousand years to piss on the graves of
those Windsor bastards!"

Sir Nigel Farnsbottom, Duke of
Donywickshire. Aged 74. Fifth in line to
the Throne. Hobbies: Nazi memorabilia,
squirrel hunting, and sex tours of Thailand.
Quote: "King Nigel, I like the sound of
that! First order of business, kick the wogs
out of England. That's a start."

Sir Philip Windsor XXII, Prince Philip's
bastard son and Chairman of the Bank of
England. Aged 39. Philip will become King
if every citizen of Great Britain should
die. Hobbies: stray cat hunting, cheap
women and internet gambling. Quote:
"Bollocks! That King job is for fools!"

Princess Sharon Needles, Duchess of
Westbedburl. Aged 28. Sixth in line to the
Throne. Hobbies: duck hunting, drugs and
bondage. Quote: "It's vital that the
monarchy keeps in touch with the people.
That's what I will try to do if I become
Queen. Oh, and do you know where I can
score some heroin?"

The less said about the Earl of Upperwilwick
the better. Seventh in line to the Throne.