Fidel Castro Speaks:

El actual Gobierno de Estados Unidos ha fracasado totalmente en sus planes de aislar y de asfixiar económicamente a Cuba, no se resigna a su fracaso y se desespera peligrosamente. El Gobierno de Estados Unidos hizo todo lo posible por satisfacer los deseos de la mafia terrorista cubano-americana, que condujo al presidente Barack Obama a la disputada presidencia de ese país. ¿Quién es hilaire9?"---Fidel Castro, Marzo 2010

"The filthy Government of the United States has totally failed to screw Cuba up the ass, and has become crazier than a shit-house rat! The Government of the United States did everything to lick the feet of the Cuban-American Mafia , who helped the whore Barack Obama to become president. There are many good Americans such as comrade hilaire9, who is kind enough to give you the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee home sex video on this website. My banana is getting hard just thinking about it!"---Fidel Castro, March 2010 [translated by hilaire9]
* Watch the Pam Anderson Sex Video *

I battle jellyfish and barracuda in my attempt to reach the Workers' Paradise of Cuba!

     It was late November 2010 when I decided to escape this vile country and live in the dreamland of Cuba. Then I learned an interesting fact: the United States Government doesn't want the slaves to run from the plantation! It is illegal to travel to Cuba unless you are a certain type of person: government workers (spies) or journalists (paid liars). No wonder Americans don't know how great it is to live in a county under Communist rule.

     That's when I had a brilliant idea. I would paddle my surfboard to Cuba! Soon I was in Key West Florida and preparing for my escape. Quickly I gathered all the provisions I would need for my journey: a waterproof backpack to carry my supplies, my Official Boy Scout compass, suntan lotion, a big box of raisins, 2 pounds of beef jerky, a bag of Cheetos, and a 12-pack of Diet Coke.

     Early the next morning I was well on my way, paddling with vigor towards Cuba! All that day and the next I made good speed, the current was with me and the weather was excellent. During the night of the third day, while sleeping, I rolled into the ocean and lost my compass and found myself in a school of stinging jellyfish!

     Day four was bad. I had lost my compass and had no Coke left. Then the weather turned rough! I was too exhausted to paddle against the wind and was dying of thirst. I thought of drinking my own urine, but decided to drink a little seawater instead.

     On day five I was insane! All I could do was hold tight to my board and let the strong winds blow me across the rolling ocean. I lost track of time and had strange dreams. In one dream I saw a chorus line of barracuda dressed in pink and yellow bikinis dancing across the waves! In another I was greeted on the shores of Cuba by Fidel Castro and the ghost of Che Guevara, and a parade was held in my honor down the streets of Havana. How long I drifted in this state of mind I do not know.

      I awoke in darkness. Everything was still. Slowly I focused my eyes. I was on a beautiful white sand beach in the moonlight! Cuba at last, all my dreams come true! With great effort I made it to my feet and started walking inland. I reached a paved road and began walking towards some lights I could see in the distance. A car passed me at great speed. Was that a Mercedes? Yes, of course! Everyone drive a fancy car under Communism. Soon I reached the edge of a small town. Something was wrong. All the signs were in English, and it didn't look like a lovely Cuban village at all! I walked into the nearest store and asked the man behind the counter: "This is Cuba, right?" I could tell by the expression on his face that I was not in Cuba. Holy shit, back in Florida again! Then I noticed the store was full of food and drink, and I was starving. I knew under this form of government I would have to pay for everything. So I grabbed an armful of Hostess Cupcakes and a quart of milk and ran for the door. I ran and I ran until I could run no longer. I fell to the ground in tears. I was shattered! Then I noticed I was naked. I shook my head in disbelief and remembered the words of Chairman Mao: 'The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' Well, I had taken my first step, nothing to be sad about, plus I had all these cupcakes. Things were looking up!

                          nice A typical Cuban worker's house

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